How I Fried My Hair (In 4 Easy Steps)

Oh man. I really fucked up this time. As I’m writing this, my hair is in a halo of frizz, refuses to curl, and is at least 4 different shades of blonde, brown, and red. The worst part? I know better. I KNOW BETTER! I read way too much about hair care to have been so stupid. I have friends who are hairstylists and have educated me on how to protect my hair. All I can say is that pregnancy has caused some sort of temporary insanity. I have no other defense.

In an attempt to save anyone out there, I’m gonna walk you through what not to do.

Mistake no. 1. Not sticking with what works. I always color my hair the same way: I go to Sally’s beauty and pick up supplies for my custom shade of brown. I always use demi-permanant color (it’s the most gentle, next to a glaze). But this time, they were out of my color. Instead of leaving and coming back in a few days like a normal person, I picked out all new shit. New color, new brand, new developer, and worst of all- I switched to permanent color.

Mistake no. 2. Listening to a Sally’s employee. I’m sure some of them know what’s up, but as my husband pointed out- if they know so much, why aren’t they working in a salon? The girls at the counter insisted I needed a lighter combo than what I was choosing, so I listened. The promised I would not have hot roots.

Dye Hair with new shit. Get hot roots. SHIT!! (Hot roots = roots are a full shade lighter and warmer than rest of hair. Scalp appears to glow.)

Google fix for hot roots. I have an art degree, the fix makes total sense – cover too warm roots with a cooler color that will cancel out the warmth (i.e. choose an ash tone in the same level)

Mistake no. 3. Listening to a Sally’s employee. She insists that I just need a darker shade of the same color.

Dye Hair with new darker shit. Get darker hot roots. SHITMOTHERFUCKER. 

Decide it’s time for professional help. Book appointment at Ulta, because I’m cheap, they have a coupon, and they can take me in the next 20 minutes. 

Mistake no. 4. Getting hair done by a novice, who knows nothing about curls. I should have ran when I saw her – dyed black hair, totally unflattering to her color and cut. I sit down anyway. I explain the massive fuck up. I very clearly tell her “The health of my curls is my number one priority, but something needs to be done about the color.” She thinks highlights are the way to go. She doesn’t ask what color highlights, just starts foiling. When she pulls out the foils, I have blonde skunk streaks running through my hair. It’s dry. It looks like cotton candy. The curl structure is damaged. I look like a different person. And now my hair is truly fried.

Go to Sally’s one last time. Purchase a demi-permanant color in light brown to tone down striped hair. It looks a little better.

Realize what a mess I’ve made. Resign myself to the fact that I may have cut off my hair. 

Soak hair in coconut oil for 2 days. Hope the hair Gods will forgive me. 

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