Let’s just get one thing out of the way right quick. I have dark brown hair and skin that is as white as the driven snow, which means that I also have a mustache. Ok?
Now, I’ve been living with my Frida Kahlo lip for the better part of 15 years (when I first noticed it) so you can imagine that I’ve tried all kinds of ways to rid myself of the ‘stache. I’m going to give you a little history of my attempts, but you have to promise not to judge me. Here’s what I’ve tried:
Waxing: Leaves redness and inflammation for a minimum of 3 hours, results in one thousand small pimples that last a week or more (depending on if I can leave them alone).
Shaving: Leaves the skin a little raw, sometimes I cut myself, and it always looks worse about 2 weeks later.
Tweezing: Best performed when slightly drunk, it hurts like hell and only gets the darkest hairs (because I’m not about to pull ’em all out one at a time- that shit would be crazy).
Pretending I can’t see it: Usually my method of choice.
So last Friday night, I got a wild hair and decided to try bleaching it. I had been shy to try facial bleach with the whole sensitive skin thing, but figured nothing could be worse than waxing.
I grabbed a box of Jolen from CVS, mixed a little powder in the plastic bowl, slapped that shit on my upper lip and prayed that I would still have skin on my face in 10 minutes (oh, I also put it on my sideburns and chin, because, duh).
After about 3 minutes, it started to tingle. At 7 minutes, one single spot started to itch like crazy and I had to do some soul searching to leave the cream on for the remaining time.
After 10 minutes, I swiped it off, washed my face, and leaned in to the mirror.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS! I had the most beautiful blonde/white upper lip you’ve ever seen! Seriously, I considered taking a picture. It looks like peach fuzz, but in a normal human being kind of way, not a mustache kind of way. Also, my skin was totally unscathed. In fact, it wasn’t even red (a miracle, really).
VICTORY IS MINE!!
From now on, I’m bleaching everything.